In the Kingdom

The triumphs and travils of the little kingdom of Camelot

Posts tagged women

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My current crisis with feminism

I’m not going to pretend this will last forever, that this goes for any feminist or ally, or that everyone should/will feel this way.

But what I will say is that sometimes when I get the chance to think, I feel so defeated.

I’m forever told that:

  • "Women don’t get guys that way"
  • "You shouldn’t approach a man like that"
  • "He treated you that way because you got too unruly"
  • "You’re too intimidating for a man"
  • "You’re going to be lonely for the rest of your life"
  • "Stop calling out the guys you like and they won’t run from you"

And this evening I just feel like I’ll never have any real guy friends or a boyfriend who truly respects me. I have so many guy friends, but I get so disappointed when some of them are misogynistic or treat me like I’m “one of the guys.” That is, they sometimes punch me on the shoulder (hard. I’m barely 125 lbs. I’m not as tough as I’d like to be), mock me, get aggressive, tell me I ask for what I get because they forget that although I am strong and identify with them (sometimes), I have my own gender identity. Being a feminist does not make me a man. It does not make me a lesbian—and speaking on that, even if I WAS  a lesbian, that does NOT make someone a man either. Lesbians are women. Period. But ultimately, it does not make me “one of them.” Saying: “If you want to be equal to us, you have to sleep in your bed” is bullshit. Feminism isn’t about blurring gender lines. It’s about respecting EVERYONE, gender and all.

And sometimes I interact with women I can’t relate with. They tell me I’m scary. They tell me I am clueless. They tell me to get used to being lonely and abused if I don’t change. I watch reality TV with some of them and the women they idolize, who are so loved and respected, make me feel like an outsider. I do not want to ever behave like them. I don’t see anything wrong with how they choose to act, but most of them are privileged white women who don’t necessarily have to fight for anything if they don’t want to. I can’t identify with them, but I feel pressured to conform to their standards of behavior in order to be liked.

And that’s a shame. Anyone, feminist or not, should have just as much a chance at being respected by their peers. No one should have to conform to the crap in magazines, reality TV, advertising, whatever to feel like they belong. And right now I just feel like no one could ever love me for who I am and accept my feminism. I’m always going to be the “feminazi bitch” men don’t want to be associated with. I am in my own world.

This will pass soon, but I think it’s important to share with other feminists or strong women who may not choose to identify with feminism that your fight may not be the easiest. You may feel unloved and excluded. You may want to give up. But never do. Because we’re all in this together.

And that’s my rant for tonight. Thank you.

Filed under feminism sexism misogyny feminist sexist misogynist equal rights women sad defeated sj social justice hurt friends men life

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Is anyone else sick of women being portrayed as psychotic sub-humans who do really effed up things to get their way or to simply “come out on top”—like taking advantage of old men for their money or cheating on their husbands when they need a heart transplant or something? And how somehow she’s always SO crazy and cruel that she pretends she’s doing nothing wrong and everyone cries and hates her because she’s so mean to everyone, but especially the men?

And even more so when they are in a role that constitutes power, such as a boss, and the only thing women can ever do to get compliance out of people is to be heartless and extremely rude? But when a male boss does it, it’s all “Ooo, that guy means business,” but because it’s a woman, everyone’s like: “LOL, what a dumb cunt bitch”?

Yeah. Getting real tired of that.

Not to mention the disparity between white women and WoC on TV, too. And the rampant homophobia. And transphobia.

Some days my feminist side feels so defeated.

Filed under feminism sexism women equality representation media feminist sexist misogyny misogynist

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This WoC is FED UP with white, Romney supporters. So here’s the plan:

I don’t know if this exactly goes along with any particular SJ blog, but as the election approaches, I feel as though stories like mine and the feelings of people like me need to be broadcast. I haven’t found a good, active racism blog, so I hope you all on Tumblr can help get the word out Feel free to add your own stories:

I have a few friends who are adamant Romney supporters, as I imagine everyone unfortunately does. Of course, they are all white—as I imagine almost all Romney supporters are. That said, I often get into debacles (not debates. No one has ever given me a civil enough answer to call it that) with these people because none of them can simply give me a rational reason for why they are voting for him. All it looks like to me is hokey rhetoric that simply says it’s “because he’s a Republican and/or I don’t like black people.”

What usually ends up happening is I get shut down and told that they’ll “see me at the polls” or they “don’t like to talk politics.” Uh…what? I figured that anyone bold enough to post their political stance on their Facebook is willing to talk about it.

I now live in New York City where I’m surrounded by PoC on a daily basis. In fact, I’ve lived in big cities all my life—Los Angeles, San Francisco, NYC—and I’ve always been fortunate enough to be a witness to the lives of other PoC in my community. And sometimes, it’s not so fortunate. Sometimes my compatriots are treated like garbage, made fools of in public by white counterparts, mocked in schools when the system that tries so hard to rail against them fails once again at teaching them, etc. When I’m on the subway, as poor PoC often are, I think a lot about our issues. I think about the faceless nobodies on the Internet or even the strangely bold people on the street quickly taking me down, degrading me and putting me in a position so awkward and humiliating, that continuing to speak would only make a fool out of me. But those are strangers who don’t know me, right? Those people will never show compassion to a PoC they’ve never actually met. It’s different when you have friends, isn’t it? Not always.

But sometimes, I think of all the time people in my life who I valued or interacted with regularly who basically demanded I stop talking. And then I wonder, though it’s not that often, if the reason they treated me so coldly was because I was a WoC and I get absolutely horrified because a part of me knows it’s true. After all, these people are usually the ones saying there’s “more important issues” than, say, abortion or discrimination. How could it not be subtle racism/sexism? Then it pushes me to think of all the white people who glare at me when they hear me having a deep talk with a fellow PoC about racism as if I have no right to point it out. Because it’s offensive to accuse white people of perpetuating racism, but it’s not offensive for them to laugh off a wickedly racist joke, right? Maybe it’s not because they want to hate me, but after all the privilege that’s been dropped into their laps, some of my “friends” simply have never respected me because my skin color made them uncomfortable and the fact that I have a uterus makes me “too unruly” to speak to properly.

So what’s my real story? Well, it started from the very beginning of my life. I want every white, Romney supporter to know that when my mom was pregnant with me, she shouldn’t have had to wish that I had my dad’s white skin so people wouldn’t treat me as poorly as they treated her. I want every white, Romney supporter to know that my mom shouldn’t have needed to go get my dad, a white man, so he could yell at the administrators of my elementary school for refusing to take me out of ESL classes because they didn’t believe I spoke English due to my mom’s accent. No one should ever preface disagreement with me by saying “go back to Mexico” when I am an AMERICAN CITIZEN AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I should not have to feel like maybe if I apologize for being brown and a woman that everything will be OK and people will stop treating me like shit.

That said, let’s fast forward to my current situation. As stated, I live in New York City. It’s a rough place. So rough, in fact, that the job that sustained me for my time in San Francisco will not carry me very far anymore. I am eligible for food stamps and other forms of assistance. I may be half white, but if people don’t see it, they won’t believe it and they won’t treat me as such unless I produce the living, breathing form of my father or at least a good enough picture so they can see his whiteness. Thus, I refuse to tell many people about my current predicament for fear of stigmatization. It’s because I know there’s both people out there who know me, have interacted with me regularly and those who will never know me who secretly believe that I am destined to become an angry Latina welfare queen. They mock my current point of view on the election with the phrase “then go vote.”

That’s the newfangled slap in the face PoC hear from whites every election. And why? Because they know we don’t. The numbers show it year after year. So here’s what I’m proposing: Raise hell, comrades. Blow up every, single idiotic Romney rhetoric post by asking for an answer. Ask WHY it would be responsible for someone like you to vote for this man. Ask just what do they mean about “get back ‘our’ America.” Because the America as we know it has never been fair to us. Ponder if they would like it better if we went back to the time where we were nothing but animals, feeding off the gleaming, white America (and don’t be afraid to pose this question directly). And most importantly, VOTE. We’ve got the numbers. Show them that we are powerful, and when our voices are united, we can overthrow their patriarchal, paternalistic, imperialistic, privileged, comfortable lives. We will not be silenced. Our vote and our issues are not a joke. Until everyone understands that economic stability and social justice for all go hand-in-hand, never hesitate to correct imprudent, privileged behavior.

We are brave. We are strong. We can win.

Filed under women racism sexism Mitt Romney Obama presidential election racist sexist misogyny PoC WoC Romney conservaties liberals politics election vote

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Pro-tip for men: On asking for a woman’s phone number

If you ask a woman for her number after just meeting her, say, at a party, at a bar, on public transit or some other passing location, please keep in mind that she may have felt pressured by you (even if you didn’t meant it) or thought you were nice enough, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings even though she didn’t really plan on seeing you again. Therefore, you should test out the situation. How? Try calling or texting AT MOST three times (and even that is PUSHING IT) on different days. If she doesn’t answer at all or suddenly stops answering without ever answering again, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.

She does not OWE you a date because you think she’s pretty or she gave you her number. This is not a green light for you to call and text every single day when she is clearly expressing NO interest in it. If a woman was doing that to YOU, you would be complaining to yor little bros that she’s a “psycho.” So knock it the fuck off.

And really, if you want a woman to give you her number with honesty, confidence and interest, stop acting like a wounded puppy when she tries to blow you off. Stop coming up with excuses for why she should do it. If she says no or is hesitant, the conversation is either OVER or needs to take a new direction. If she REALLY wants you to have her number, she won’t act surprised, stutter, mumble, ask questions, etc. She will say: “Sure, it’s…*insert number here.*” And honestly, if YOU want to put yourself out there that badly, why not willingly give her YOUR number and let her decide if she wants to talk to you again!? People really DO NOT understand how often women get harassed, threatened or even hurt or killed by crazy, entitled guys who are pissed that she won’t “put out.” That makes any such exchange with a man immediately seem dangerous to us. So instead of whining about how nice you are, why not actively try to make you interactions with women healthier and safer!?

Filed under feminism sexism misogyny feminist sexist misogynist men women dating

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Why are we still using the phrase “women and children” during times of danger?

ie: “Police fired into a crowd of women and children.”
"This place is dangerous for women and children."

WOMEN ARE NOT THE EQUIVALENT OF CHILDREN. Women are fully capable of defending themselves, whereas children are not when confronted with adult situations.

If for some reason a woman cannot defend herself, citing the reason why she could not is much better than lumping her and other women in with children. For goodness sake, people. It’s way too simple for everyone to keep screwing this up.

Filed under women sexism feminism misogyny sexist feminist misogynist rape culture