Posts tagged sad

Too depressed to move. It literally pains me to exert myself.

Still waiting on a prospective employer to give me a start date, all the while my self-deprecating thoughts tell me they are going to say they changed their minds. Honestly if they do, I’m going to give up. I fail at everything I try.

I miss a friend who used to live here. Before he left he said he would offer that I call him any time if I needed him, and now he’s gone. And even if he wasn’t, I’d probably never take him up on it solely based on the fact that if I called him every time I was sad, he’d spend half his day on the phone with me.

Days like this make me wonder if I’ll ever have a normal life. I’ve been single for seven years. I feel like I’m ready for a relationship—hell, I fell like I’ve BEEN ready for a relationship. I just wonder and worry about how my depression will factor in to the relationship. Will the first few months be candy and roses until the relationship loses its nuance, and I veer off course into this emotional train wreck that permanently and irreparably damages what I’ve forged with this person? Will I be too much to handle? Will I be abandoned again? I’ve never been in a relationship long enough to gauge this information. Not to mention I was so young when my last relationship ended, and I’ve changed so much as a person since then.

I honestly just feel worthless and describing my thoughts while using my phone to type is frustrating the hell out of me so I’ll just shut up now.

paperdemons:

Falling for the same person over and over again even after months of not seeing them, but then they just come back into your life, but you’re still awkward and

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE KATY PERRY AND THE PLASTIC BAG THING.

OHGOD. Of course “Hallelujah” starts playing in the Starbucks where I go to take my mind off him. It’s like the universe is TRYING to kill me. I hate being in love.

Yeah, Megan. Play really sad music on the subway when you’re depressed, miss him and hate your family during the holidays so you can fight back tears in front of strangers. You did reeeaalll good today.

Drinking alone is kinda like admitting to yourself that no one wants to be around you even if there’s alcohol involved.

in any way at all.

I’m not asking for romance, but friendship with me won’t be easy either. I have wildly active, unmedicated depression and anxiety. It makes perfectly logical sense why everyone out here is looking for a way to disassociate with me.

I shouldn’t be asking anyone to make even the slightest effort to be around me. I have no business asking for friends.

You are right in forgetting me. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t been out in months. It doesn’t matter that most days I don’t have enough will to change out of my pajamas. You all are too good to have to sympathize with me.

It’s better this way. I deserve to be alone, even if it hurts this much.

I want to go from being a regular sad person to being a drunk sad person, but I’m too sad to put on appropriate clothes.

Fuck.

“One Too Many Mornings” is too short. I’m sorry, how exactly did Bob Dylan expect me to cry out all my feels in only 2 minutes and 42 seconds?

I’m not going to pretend this will last forever, that this goes for any feminist or ally, or that everyone should/will feel this way.

But what I will say is that sometimes when I get the chance to think, I feel so defeated.

I’m forever told that:

• “Women don’t get guys that way”
• “You shouldn’t approach a man like that”
• “He treated you that way because you got too unruly”
• “You’re too intimidating for a man”
• “You’re going to be lonely for the rest of your life”
• “Stop calling out the guys you like and they won’t run from you”

And this evening I just feel like I’ll never have any real guy friends or a boyfriend who truly respects me. I have so many guy friends, but I get so disappointed when some of them are misogynistic or treat me like I’m “one of the guys.” That is, they sometimes punch me on the shoulder (hard. I’m barely 125 lbs. I’m not as tough as I’d like to be), mock me, get aggressive, tell me I ask for what I get because they forget that although I am strong and identify with them (sometimes), I have my own gender identity. Being a feminist does not make me a man. It does not make me a lesbian—and speaking on that, even if I WAS  a lesbian, that does NOT make someone a man either. Lesbians are women. Period. But ultimately, it does not make me “one of them.” Saying: “If you want to be equal to us, you have to sleep in your bed” is bullshit. Feminism isn’t about blurring gender lines. It’s about respecting EVERYONE, gender and all.

And sometimes I interact with women I can’t relate with. They tell me I’m scary. They tell me I am clueless. They tell me to get used to being lonely and abused if I don’t change. I watch reality TV with some of them and the women they idolize, who are so loved and respected, make me feel like an outsider. I do not want to ever behave like them. I don’t see anything wrong with how they choose to act, but most of them are privileged white women who don’t necessarily have to fight for anything if they don’t want to. I can’t identify with them, but I feel pressured to conform to their standards of behavior in order to be liked.

And that’s a shame. Anyone, feminist or not, should have just as much a chance at being respected by their peers. No one should have to conform to the crap in magazines, reality TV, advertising, whatever to feel like they belong. And right now I just feel like no one could ever love me for who I am and accept my feminism. I’m always going to be the “feminazi bitch” men don’t want to be associated with. I am in my own world.

This will pass soon, but I think it’s important to share with other feminists or strong women who may not choose to identify with feminism that your fight may not be the easiest. You may feel unloved and excluded. You may want to give up. But never do. Because we’re all in this together.

And that’s my rant for tonight. Thank you.

Post-hurricane checklist:

• Boredom? Check
• Drinking all remaining alcohol? Check
• Sad music? Check
• Feelings of inadequacy? Double check
• Crying about the ex I’m supposed to be over? Check

I really need some goddamn help for this overwhelming depression that never seems to leave me alone. Someone talk me down from this, yeah?