Posts tagged life

I ate an orange today
that wasn’t very good, and
I wondered how I got myself here
judging the flavor
of things out of season, 
making matter out of space

-M.T. 10:58 p.m. 2/20/12
paperdemons.tumblr.com

Have you ever been so lost and confused about where your life is going or just feel so out-of-it that all you wanted to do was bury your face in food? Like literally just put your face in it and eat it? Like a horse?

Good thing purring isn’t a natural reaction to happiness for me like it is for cats. I’m already awkward as fuck. I’d never get a boyfriend if I purred.

I’m not going to pretend this will last forever, that this goes for any feminist or ally, or that everyone should/will feel this way.

But what I will say is that sometimes when I get the chance to think, I feel so defeated.

I’m forever told that:

• “Women don’t get guys that way”
• “You shouldn’t approach a man like that”
• “He treated you that way because you got too unruly”
• “You’re too intimidating for a man”
• “You’re going to be lonely for the rest of your life”
• “Stop calling out the guys you like and they won’t run from you”

And this evening I just feel like I’ll never have any real guy friends or a boyfriend who truly respects me. I have so many guy friends, but I get so disappointed when some of them are misogynistic or treat me like I’m “one of the guys.” That is, they sometimes punch me on the shoulder (hard. I’m barely 125 lbs. I’m not as tough as I’d like to be), mock me, get aggressive, tell me I ask for what I get because they forget that although I am strong and identify with them (sometimes), I have my own gender identity. Being a feminist does not make me a man. It does not make me a lesbian—and speaking on that, even if I WAS  a lesbian, that does NOT make someone a man either. Lesbians are women. Period. But ultimately, it does not make me “one of them.” Saying: “If you want to be equal to us, you have to sleep in your bed” is bullshit. Feminism isn’t about blurring gender lines. It’s about respecting EVERYONE, gender and all.

And sometimes I interact with women I can’t relate with. They tell me I’m scary. They tell me I am clueless. They tell me to get used to being lonely and abused if I don’t change. I watch reality TV with some of them and the women they idolize, who are so loved and respected, make me feel like an outsider. I do not want to ever behave like them. I don’t see anything wrong with how they choose to act, but most of them are privileged white women who don’t necessarily have to fight for anything if they don’t want to. I can’t identify with them, but I feel pressured to conform to their standards of behavior in order to be liked.

And that’s a shame. Anyone, feminist or not, should have just as much a chance at being respected by their peers. No one should have to conform to the crap in magazines, reality TV, advertising, whatever to feel like they belong. And right now I just feel like no one could ever love me for who I am and accept my feminism. I’m always going to be the “feminazi bitch” men don’t want to be associated with. I am in my own world.

This will pass soon, but I think it’s important to share with other feminists or strong women who may not choose to identify with feminism that your fight may not be the easiest. You may feel unloved and excluded. You may want to give up. But never do. Because we’re all in this together.

And that’s my rant for tonight. Thank you.

Your mom: *calls once (you’re busy so you don’t answer)*
Voicemail: MIJO/A, WHERE ARE YOU? IF YOU DON’T CALL ME BACK IN AN HOUR, I’M CALLING THE POLICE. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT DEAD.

However…

You: *call mom five times in a row*
Later…
Mom finally answers.
You: MOM. I really needed your help! Why didn’t you answer the phone??
Your mom: *smacks tongue* I was talking to your tia. You’re an adult, calm down.
You: D:<